It all started when our uber geek, Austin, woke up in a secret vineyard. It was the first time it had happened. Feeling excessively worried, Austin stroked a ninja star, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Before anyone could take off their pants, he realized that his beloved Wii was missing! Immediately he called his favorite Mormon, Devon. Austin had known Devon for (plus or minus) 550,000 years, the majority of which were curious ones. Devon was unique. He was plucky though sometimes a little... clueless. Austin called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.

Devon picked up to a very glad Austin. Devon calmly assured him that most 3-legged wallabies cringe before mating, yet 3-legged wallabies usually scandalously yawn *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Austin. Why was Devon trying to distract Austin? Because he had snuck out from Austin's with the Wii only ten days prior. It was a exotic little Wii... how could he resist?

It didn't take long before Austin got back to the subject at hand: his Wii. Devon belched. Relunctantly, Devon invited him over, assuring him they'd find the Wii. Austin grabbed his giraffe and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Devon realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the Wii and he had to do it aggressively. He figured that if Austin took the tricycle, he had take at least five minutes before Austin would get there. But if he took the flying cake? Then Devon would be really screwed.

Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Devon was interrupted by nine oafish Care Bears that were lured by his Wii. Devon sneezed; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling frustrated, he aptly reached for his dull pencil and recklessly punched every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the magical cornfield, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the flying cake rolling up. It was Austin.

----o0o----

As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at McDonald's to pick up a 12-pack of live hand grenades, so he knew he was running late. With a inept leap, Austin was out of the flying cake and went earnestly jaunting toward Devon's front door. Meanwhile inside, Devon was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the Wii into a box of potatos and then slid the box behind his hammock. Devon was pleased but at least the Wii was concealed. The doorbell rang.

'Come in,' Devon explosively purred. With a quick push, Austin opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some stupid self-righteous ass in a gas-guzzling, ecology-destroying, tankish SUV,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Devon assured him. Austin took a seat not remotely close to where Devon had hidden the Wii. Devon panicked trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Austin was distracted. With fist clenched and teeth gnashed, Devon noticed a funny-smelling look on Austin's face. Austin slowly opened his mouth to speak.

'...What's that smell?'

Devon felt a stabbing pain in his double chin when Austin asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the Wii right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A insensitive look started to form on Austin's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's carrots from when she used to have pet disease-carrying chipmunks. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Austin nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Devon could react, Austin aimlessly lunged toward the box and opened it. The Wii was plainly in view.

Austin stared at Devon for what what must've been eight minutes. Before anyone could take off their pants, Devon groped explosively in Austin's direction, clearly desperate. Austin grabbed the Wii and bolted for the door. It was locked. Devon let out a saucy chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Austin,' he rebuked. Devon always had been a little selfish, so Austin knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Devon did something crazy, like... start chucking dull pencils at him or something. In a tragically predictable turn of events, he gripped his Wii tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

Devon looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Austin. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame four days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Austin. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Devon walked over to the window and looked down. Austin was gone.

----o0o----

Just yonder, Austin was struggling to make his way through the bush behind Devon's place. Austin had severely hurt his shin during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral Care Bears suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the Wii. One by one they latched on to Austin. Already weakened from his injury, Austin yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of Care Bears running off with his Wii.

But then God came down with His clever smile and restored Austin's Wii. Feeling concerned, God smote the Care Bears for their injustice. Then He got in His wannabe go-fast Civic and darted away with the fortitude of 11,000 spotted wolf hamsters running from a enormous pack of albino cats. Austin tripped with joy when he saw this. His Wii was safe. It was a good thing, too, because in two minutes his favorite TV show, Hannah Montanna, was going to come on (followed immediately by 'When 3-legged wallabies meet gun'. Austin was relieved. And so, everyone except Devon and a few gun-toting legless puppies lived blissfully happy, forever after.


*** L337 Story Generator v1.0
*** Written by Derek Clark. Copyright © [link] ~ 2004-2005
*** Forever pwning with earnest.

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